Col. Mustard tells his Tale:
A Glimpse of Eden
“By GOD, Sir! I don’t mind telling you, Mustard, that if any other Man had come to me with such a Tale I’d have either damned him as a damned Liar or had a couple of my Lads haul him off to the nearest Bedlam.” So said Lieutenant-Colonel Pepper as he poured himself another Glass of Port and reached for a Taper to light his Pipe.
“So if I have it aright,” he continued, “You took Ship with some half-mad retired Sea-Captain – Mayweather, was it? – with more Money than Sense, crossed the Mediterranean to Turkey. Then organised a Convoy for him to carry some infernal Engine into the Interior. Then when this Instrument is set up you accompany the mad Captain and some Others through the arcane Portal it creates. There find yourself in a dismal Landscape, where there are ancient undead Armies marching with baleful Gleams in their Eyes. On the back side of the Portal there is another Portal onto a green and pleasant Land, which you believe to be ancient Eden. The obsessed Preacher – Ashton? – leaps through only to encounter a Naiga – I’ve seen depictions of such in India – who plants a Kiss on his Lips, whereupon he falls senseless with the same baleful Gleam in his Eyes. You return in the nick of Time to find the local Bey has arrived with his Janissaries to ask some difficult Questions. Mayweather and some of the other Principals are taken into Custody (along with the infernal Engine) but you manage to gather a Group and abscond, fleeing Turkey with half the Pasha’s armies on your tail.”
“That’s about the Shape of it, Pepper, though when you put it like that I have to admit that it does sound like a Mazeling’s Tale.” replied Colonel Mustard, likewise reaching for the Port and pushing his Chair back so that he could put his Boots up on a spare Stool. “I don’t mind admitting that there are not many I would want to share it with – in that Form at least.”
“But what made you do it?” asks Pepper.
“Well in the first Instance, I simply needed to get out of London after that unfortunate Business with the Duel – he was offensive, and an Idiot to boot, but I really didn’t intend to kill him. Anyway the Magistrates in London are very hot against duelling at the Moment and the Man was a Guards Officer with Friends and Influence. Anyway, I thought it best to make myself scarce for a while. Fleeing here to Portugal to join the Regiment seemed too obvious a Move – one that might be anticipated by any Pursuers. Mainborough offered discretion and a swift passage out of London.”
“I understand all that. No, I meant why did you go through with it when it became clear what a madcap and – dare I say it – impious Scheme was intended?” persisted Pepper.
“You mean, why didn’t I listen to Wright when he begged me to join him in speaking against it to Mainborough?” Mustard paused and took a sip of his Port, and then another, as he thought.
“I suppose it may seem that Wright was right”, he chuckled at the nominative determinism. “But it was clear that Mainborough was not going to be dissuaded and I felt that I owed some loyalty to the Man – and the Venture. We had all come a long way to this end. Even though it had not been apparent exactly what it was he intended, we all knew that the secrecy around the Venture portended some unusual Mischief and we had all gone along with it and taken Mainborough’s Coin.”
Another Pause from Mustard and another Sip of Port. “I would own that I was also curious – I wanted my glimpse of Eden – for who other amongst Men today can say that they have experienced such a Thing. As to the impiety, I was never clear on that Point. I am no Philosopher, but surely no Man can encompass, however arcane the Method, that which GOD truly forbids. Moreover I had the Word of the only Man of GOD present – Ashton – that this was a worthy Endeavour. In any case Wright was not right to betray his Employer and Comrades by placing a Charge and I am glad that I thwarted him and that Jacob, my Mastiff, planted his Teeth so firmly on the Man’s nether Parts in Retribution.”
“I do,” he continued, “regret that he and Mainborough and that worthy Gentleman, Maxwell, are in the hands of the Turk. It does not sit well with me, either, that we left the Engine in their Hands. I must also regret the fate of Ashton. The man was a Crackpot and it was his own rash Action that led to his demise, but to leave a Man on the Field is always a hard Thing. I confess I was heartily glad that it fell to Mainborough to make that call.”
Mustard fell into a Reverie, that Pepper forbore to interrupt. Then suddenly he looked up, drained his Glass. When he spoke again it was in a far more brisk and business-like Tone. “Anyway, as I was literally passing Portugal on my way Home, I thought I’d drop in on you and the Lads. I’m perfectly sure you have Everything under control and I don’t want to get under your Feet, but I feel it is always good for Morale and Discipline for the Colonel to show his Face once in a while. It also gives me an Opportunity to send ahead to London and see how the Land lies before I return.”
He poured himself another Glass of Pepper’s excellent Port and they fell to talking about regimental Matters.