From Col. Edward Mustard’s Correspondence File
12: The Golden Bull
Upon the Thames, near the Tower of London,
Saturday, 25th June 1768
Your Royal Highness,
Please forgive the brevity and informality of this Dispatch, which I scribe in case the Opportunity does not arise for me to report to you in Person.
I am happy to inform you that the Beast devouring London is Slain, so that at least its Consumption of London is ended. The Monies it took have been returned to London — after a Fashion. However, there remain a Number of pressing Matters outstanding that must be attended before this Crisis may be declared at an End.
After leaving your Royal Presence, I commandeered a naval Cutter to take myself and my Companions (Mr. Rao, Mr. Blunt and Mr. Tonkinson) to the Tower. There we obtained valuable Assistance from the Warden and, most especially, the Archivist who conducted us to Secret Passages below the Tower and plotted us a Route to the Vicinity of the East India Company Offices, where we thought it most likely that the Troubles had first arisen.
After obtaining some Intelligence from a Group of Your Loyal Servants sheltering from the Chaos above in the Crypt of St Gabriel’s Church, we made our way to where the East India Co. once stood, finding it now to be nought but a Hole in the Ground, with but a few subterranean Passages and Rooms still intacto.
En route we were accosted by a Crowd of slow-moving but persistent Fellows, clearly bereft of their own Wits and motivated instead by some evil Intelligence. I have encountered Such before in my Adventures and recalled that the merest Touch from one might be Sufficient to pass on the Infection. We dealt with those who stood in our Way and picked a Path to the Bottom of the Cavity in the Ground that was once the East India Co. There we found — as we somewhat suspected — a Vast Philosophical Engine, powering a Gate to Elsewhere. A Group of Gentlemen in fine Clothes frozen in Space and Time stood around their Infernal Machine which was phasing in and out of the Now. I recognised Mr. Hunter amongst them and no doubt the rest were other Grand Panjandrums of the East India Company.
The Consensus being that we could not close the Gate from there, we considered that it might be possible to do so from the Other Side. Moreover, this Course of Action would also have the Benefit of setting aside the Matter of the Shuffling Horde, who were gathering in Numbers and descending the sides of the great Crater towards us. Thus agreed I leapt through, my Companions hot upon my heels.
There was a sharp Drop of several Feet, on the Other Side, onto a Carpet of fine grey Sand that stretched as far as the Eye could see in every Direction. Such is the Vista in the Lands of Dust. Unfortunately, there was no Sign of the East India Company Gates.
As we gathered ourselves the unmistakable Figure of the Guardian of that Place hove into view. A sometimes terrifying and vengeful Creature in Defence of her Realm, on this Occasion she seemed almost to expect our Arrival and Bless our Endeavour, perhaps because we sought to relieve her Domain of an unwelcome Intrusion. After a brief Conference she indicated our Direction and we trudged across the grey Sands toward the Temple of Greed.
Before long we could see on the Horizon a Mighty Ziggurat. As we drew close we could see its Lower Reaches shrouded in Shadow in which lurked the Indistinct but Intimidating Shapes of great bull-headed Guardians. While Blunt and Rao moved to intercept the Guardians, myself and Tonkinson, accompanied by our faithful Hounds, charged directly into the Shadows, which parted before us to reveal a giant Golden Bull grazing upon a huge Pile of Gold.
The Beast turned at our Approach, lowered its mighty Horns, snorting and pawing at the gold-strewn Ground with its great, gilded Hoofs. I sought to distract its Gaze by casting my red Uniform Coat at its face and essayed to vault over its Horns. This Manoeuvre I substantially pulled off, and succeeded in landing astride its back, though I took a Gash from its Horn and, alas, my dress Uniform will never be quite the same. From this Vantage I thrust downwards with my Sword, while Tonkinson belaboured it with brass-bound Fists and the Dogs harried its Flanks. The Beast for all its Might had no Answer to this combined Assault. It began to diminish and as we persisted in our Violence it collapsed. I found myself sitting amidst a huge Pile of Your Royal Highness’s Sovereigns.
As the Beast expired, so too did its Minotaur minions — as well they did for Blunt and Rao found themselves hard-pressed. We were Masters of the Field and a considerable Quantity of Gold Sovereigns. However, as the Euphoria of our Victory wore off we began to consider our wider Predicament. The Avatar of Greed and its Shadow Creatures might be dispersed but we remained marooned in the Lands of Dust with no Gate to take us Home and no Means by which we could transport London’s Gold back to its Home.
It was Rao who suggested a Solution. Were we to perform a Ritual of Banishment upon Ourselves and the Gold, would we not be cast from the Lands of Dust and dispatched to whence we came? We all owned that at least it sounded plausible, and none had a better Scheme. So we inscribed the Circle in the Sand around ourselves and the Coin. Rao made his Calculations, wound his portable Engine… and Lo! We found ourselves in the Skies above London. For a Moment we feared that we would fall from thence to our Deaths below, but we spiralled gently to Earth to the very Point where we had started our Journey, the ruined Basement of the East India Company.
Not quite so the huge Pile of Coin. The Gold was similarly transported but it fell like Rain, scattered across the Entirety of the City. Your Highness may feel that this Outcome is somewhat short of Ideal. I can only say that at least it is now in London and not in the Lands of Dust, nor the Temple of Greed. (I understand that Mr Adam Smith has posited that it is better for the Commonweal if Monies are widely distributed amongst the Many than Hoarded by the Few. We may discover by this Happenstance whether his Theories are Correct. If they are then there is no Harm done and perhaps some Good ; if they are not then the Sight of him hanging from the Gibbet for peddling such dangerous Nonsense may at least offer Your Highness some small Consolation.)
Arriving at the East India Co., we were disappointed but not surprised to find that Nothing else had changed. The Gate was fading in and out of our World and Mr. Hunter and Co were still frozen in Time. The Shufflers were still much in Evidence and indeed as we surveyed the Scene they began to Shuffle towards us in vast Numbers. We sought an Escape and found a Passage that was not entirely Rubble-choked. It did contain some kind of Evil Creature (Rao called it a Naga), that had no doubt insinuated itself into our World during Hunter’s botched Conjuration. However, with the Shuffling Horde behind us we were in no mood for shilly-shallying with the Denizens of Hell and we cut it down with Dispatch. At the End of the Passage we found an Entrance to the Tunnels below London and made our Way to the Docks, where we obtained a Boat.
So in Summary, Your Highness, we have slain the Beast that was consuming the Realm’s Wealth and we have returned that Wealth to London — if in a Manner that might not be considered to be Ideal. However, the foolish Experiment that brought this Catastrophe upon our City is still in Progress and the Gate it created is still open. Moreover, much of the Population of London is in Thrall to some alien Intelligence of unknown but clearly malign Intent, while the remaining Loyal Subjects cower leaderless in Crypts and Basements or in protected Enclaves around the Capital.
I propose, once reprovisioned and re-armed, to make my way with my Comrades into London once more to see what may be done.
Forever at Your Command
Edward Mustard, Colonel Mustard’s Dragoons.